But Like, Am I Really an Alcoholic? And If So, What is the Solution? Part One

Maybe. Maybe not. However, if you’re on an AA blog, chances are you’re lost: either literally, figuratively or spiritually.

Regardless of why you’re here, you are not alone anymore. I say that with certainty because there was a time when I was SO very much alone as well. Desperate, in despair and at my wits end with this allergy we will speak of alongside my emotional state of deep wounds and scars.

So let’s dig into this question of “what is alcoholism” by looking at the AA Big Book: specifically, examining Bill’s Story, the Doctor’s Opinion and some anecdotal tales of my own.

Bill’s story is fascinating because it’s about his development of alcoholism and how he didn’t feel like an Alcoholic. He felt like the resolve was enough to quit, until it wasn’t. He didn’t start off with a need to drink. He even mentions how alcohol helped with his loneliness while serving in England in what I assume is WWI. (Remember this book was originally published in 1939).

Personally, this makes total sense to me as alcohol was a symptom of my deeper emotional issues. And I know it’s the same for almost anyone with this allergy that I speak of so intimately. Further, for me, it wasn’t just alcohol and I think that’s important to mention. It’s not the purpose of this article and blog, of course. However, in the modern era of legal drugs, gambling, sex, social media and prescribed pills, it all masks so much more than before. It can be multifaceted and often leads to our quest for not just physical sobriety but emotional sobriety. It builds from the same root though, the allergy of the mind; an emotional, spiritual and mental deficit. The *need* for self absolution in all the wrong ways. The incomprehensible need for my “fix” to not just feel better but to meet my normal, move on with the next hour before this craving hits again and I need my “fix” again. And again. And again. Again and again.

“When does it stop?” is what I found myself asking often. I found out I wasn’t the only one.

Bill found himself on this journey with alcohol. Per Bill, “Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. We had long talks when I would [calm] her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 2).

I, of course, thought I was most creative when my mind was altered regardless of how often my husband brought it to my attention that I would get mean and angry while drunk. And, of course, it didn’t start out as a need, just like for Bill. It was fun and got my juices flowing – creatively, socially and more. It gave me liquid courage to speak my mind, or later in life, to completely ignore my thoughts and inner turmoil. While getting my Master’s in International and Development Economics it was purely social. After all, I was still productive and a great student. It was a way to relax and get away from the stressors of life. It had *yet* to be continuous. I found success in economic research and business oriented jobs after completing that degree. That work sent me to Jordan and India. And still I would seek out the drink, the drug etc etc.  

By the time Bill returns from war and finds success in Wall Street, it’s the roaring 20’s and “Drink was taking an important and exhilarating part in my life.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 3). He even started playing golf which led to drinking in the morning and normalized the drunkenness. It quickly ramped up his drinking as life happened around him “liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 5). If I related to anything so hard in this book, it was THAT line.

I found myself at 30 with the necessity of alcohol daily. For Bill, that’s when the shakes would start in the morning. It became physical. It was never like that for me. It was emotional. And it isn’t a requirement to find yourself having a problem (or as the book calls it, an allergy) with alcohol. The below thought that you could ‘control it’ when everything you try leads to failure of that control is, imo, an indicator that you hold this allergy.

“Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife’s hope.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 5). Years down the line after my drinking ramped up, after coming back home to Missouri, I still thought I was in control. I thought, if I don’t drink before noon I’m doing well. Which quickly turned to 11 am then 10 am then 9 am and so on. Or I thought, if I limit myself to X number of drinks I’m doing ok…but that never lasts. And I would drink to excess or find a different problematic option to calm my mind. This was my way of trying to control it. I’m sure we all have something similar in our head about how if I stick to beer and not liquor. Or if I don’t drink on the weekdays. Etc. Etc. We’ve all set our own boundaries in an attempt to control it and then broken those boundaries only to redraw the lines. Gerrymandering across our self respect.

And oh what a great relief when, FINALLY, coming to our senses, we decide enough is enough and QUIT.

Until we come home drunk shortly thereafter. Unprovoked even!

As for Bill, “Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn’t know. It hadn’t even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. Renewing my resolve, I tried again.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 5). This next time, he had some sober time under his belt. But then again he went to alcohol, for no reason other than what I can only guess was some random Tuesday. And. If he already took one drink…how could more drinks hurt, at this moment?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will do better. This was MY daily thought. 

It took Bill two more years of this back and forth type of drinking until he landed in the hospital. And that’s when a doctor told him that he was seriously ill physically, emotionally and/or mentally. It took me about 4 years to come to the thought that this was a problem and it was a problem I couldn’t control.

“It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer—self-knowledge” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 7).

Of course, he went back to the drink. And so did I (among other things). Bill landed back in the hospital. He was perplexed at his ability to understand difficult economics and law but couldn’t kick this habit. So was I. I had a Master’s degree after all. Surely I could think myself out of this allergy and the loneliness and depression I felt so deep in my bones. Surely, after gaining understanding and self knowledge, I could combat the problem. Surely.

We could not. Instead, I felt sorry for myself. The woe of not being able to stop and the heaviness of it weighed on my heart. It was deeper than the grand canyon itself. Dare I say deeper than the depths of the oceans and the vastness of space was the despair I felt as I was actively mid-drink.

Bill found this feeling too. And maybe so do you? “No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I was overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 8).

This is when I knew there was a problem. When alcohol became the end-all-be-all of living. What I thought about 24/7 and planned my days around. It truly was my master. It controlled me.

Despite your journey, your story and the depths alcohol has pulled you in, once you realize alcohol is in charge of you, you realize at some level that alcohol is a problem. That alone doesn’t necessarily stop you from drinking. And it doesn’t necessarily offer any hope as Bill learned. Sometimes it offers false hope. Just like with Bill, understanding our reasoning is the answer, right?

Knowing is half the battle, sure. But what is the other half? Where does the solution truly lie if not will power? Our own will power has proven problematic at best and impossible at worst.

The rest of the story is about how spirituality is the one and only cure. Which is a hard pill to swallow for many, me especially as per my last blog post on this site.

Part two will discuss the “Doctor’s Opinion” about what Bill (and myself) were truly experiencing: Alcoholism or more generally categorized as Addiction. We will get into the solution and the promises of the program.

For now, I have some thoughts prior to moving forward with the next blog post.

1. Does alcohol or something similar, feel it is a problem as described in any of the ways above? If so, how?
2. What have you tried to do to control it?
3. What do you not have control over?
4. Could alcohol be your master, currently?
5. Are you willing to try something different? If so, read Part Two.