The privilege of attending a speaker meeting is one of many we come to know while working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Last Saturday Night Live’s Speaker Meeting (which occur every Saturday at 8 pm) was no exception in that respect and all the exceptions in other respects because it was three stories about empowerment through the program and each woman’s relationship with their higher power. The night was led by an amazing MC, Anita. I think it was by far the most powerful Speaker Meeting I’ve been to thus far in my 18 months of sobriety. Each woman found themselves in the darkest of places and at the end of the day, came to believe in a power greater than themselves. That a higher power could not only restore them to sanity but offer so much more than they were asking for.
It was so powerful that Anita had all the women in the program stand up at the end of the third speech and commented how this is a herd. We are all part of the herd and we have each other’s backs. She mentioned the amount of love the women at Kansas City’s North Oak Group AA hall have for each other and how it’s so special and endearing to each and every one of us.
The women who spoke and their stories are what brought about this truly beautiful moment for all the women at the hall. Of course, as Katy (our final speaker) pointed out, boys are good too! However, the evening was one focused on the women of the hall. Focused on sisterhood and the struggles women have in getting sober and staying sober. In this three part series, we find these women’s stories.
***Part One: “I’m Proud of Who I Am” – Sarah’s Story***
Sarah found herself up on the podium with 2 years of sobriety under her belt. Not just from alcohol, but drugs too, especially methamphetamines. Looking back at her life through tear stained cheeks she was filled with gratitude. How, one might ask, after hearing the below, could one be so grateful? “Worship over worry” was her answer.
The first thing Sarah said, outside of introducing herself as an alcoholic and addict was noting what we all know. Alcohol is an addiction, it’s just a legal one, and she loves all of us. So much. She reflected on the last year and how if she could tell twenty year old Sarah that 43 year old Sarah would have control of her emotions she’d be laughing. “You gotta be kidding me, [right?]” she reflects. As she stands there, on the podium, she reflects on the growth she has seen in herself and noted it’s “nothing short of a miracle.”
Sarah was born in a house devoid of drugs and two parents who struggled with mental health. Her parents, at some point early on, decided the family was better off without her dad around. And life became less healthy from there.
At eleven, Sarah got intoxicated for the first time and it wasn’t good. She remembers going to a friend’s house and her friend told her about how she takes pills to get high. Wanting to be cool like her friend, Sarah decided upon returning home, to give it a try. She ended up at the ICU where the doctors asked her if she was trying to kill herself. Not wanting to admit the very valid reason of an 11 year old wanting to be cool, she tells them yes. They send her to a therapeutic institution. At 11. She notes that the institution wasn’t what it should be or even could be. It’s much worse. She remembers it being rampant with abuse. And though she admits that she understood they were trying to deal with icky situations, it wasn’t good.
At the age of 13 Sarah went to live with her grandma and got closer with her cousin who smoked weed. And that was also her first introduction to rum, which she did not like. So weed it was.
From there she was in and out of family placement.
By the age of 14 she was back with her mom and experienced more drinking and less school. By 15, Sarah was down to literally do whatever was put in front of her. She couldn’t get intoxicated enough and by the time she was 16 she had tried everything from crack cocaine to acid.
She wound up going to a group home in Kansas with 30 other girls and it saved her life. It was an atmosphere of women who were tightly knit and had each other’s backs.
By 17, she was in a job core and took off again with drinking non stop. Again, she would have done anything and everything put in front of her.
At 19, she moved to Boise, Idaho. And by 20, she met a boy. A boy she was madly in love with. The two of them did not get along well. The drinking ramped up. And so did the fighting. It was an on again and off again relationship. At one point, as she was talking to him she knew in her gut that something was off and thought he was into methamphetamines again. She noticed that when they were using those drugs. The couple got along really, really well when they had never gotten along before. And even though it was a less than ideal situation, she was in love and wanted to enjoy his company. So this continued. That was until a PO caught them smoking weed. They stopped using it. Then the fighting ramped up again.
Some point shortly thereafter, she moved back to KC to get away from things and started working at bars. She ran into a friend there and didn’t know that this drug of choice was being used everywhere then poof. The next sixteen years of her life were gone.
“It’s a long time.” She said with a long pause and tears building in her eyes. She remembered one day sitting in a truck and counting the years of use. It had been 8 at that point. 8 years. Wow. And she wasn’t done yet little did she know.
She had her daughter at 24 and was in recovery.
However, life was really bad.
Really bad.
At this point in the story, Sarah is crying and needs a moment to collect herself. Of course the crowd of onlookers were doing what they do best at North Oak Group. Cries of “love you Sarah” and “you got this” from could be heard. Beyond that, the room was silent. They were waiting to hear the happy ending we all knew was coming and the mess we all knew had to ensure to get there.
“I was so high. And I thought … .I thought I was different than anyone else.” She was going to work, paying for the drugs and not dragging her kid to the dope house. She thought “I was an exception.”
She paused to grab an entire box of kleenex because this next part, this next part was heart wrenching.
Her daughter told her that her boyfriend had been sexually abusing her for her whole life up to that point. Her daughter was 6 at the time.
“I was a failure.”
She flushed all the drugs down the toilet because she didn’t want this life anymore and called CPS to report the abuse. Because that was the right thing to do, right? They took her daughter from her. She reflected on how she had been taken from her mother as well. “It’s a really big trauma” to have her daughter taken away on top of trauma from her past. Her only coping mechanisms were drugs at this point. She was able to stay clean for one month then couldn’t do it anymore. Sarah could stay clean long enough to pass the necessary drug tests to see her daughter until one day a guy taught her how to pass while still using. “So I could be high all the time…and of course no one could tell.” she joked at the end.
Every day was full of promises that “tomorrow’s gonna be different.” It was like ground hog day. Every day. Every. Day. But it never came.
She then came to an unfortunate realization. If CPS had given her a drug test they would have seen she was clean and they didn’t need to take her kid.
Oooooohhhhh the anger! Sarah was angry at CPS and the world. She was consumed with so much anger and shame. She couldn’t get up.
She lost her parental rights and gained a cold, dark hell. The anger grew and she quickly hated everyone and didn’t care about herself. The only person deserving of love was her daughter.
At some point, Sarah had a conversation with God. He told her to look at the bigger picture. He agreed with her that everything was f’d up, but encouraged her to really take a moment to look at the bigger picture. He told her she has to get up so she can see it.
So she crawled. Then she walked through the doors of rehab. And got pregnant again. But she knew this time there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And was worried about the stupid father because her daughter’s father died and she didn’t want that to happen again for her son. It felt like everyone died. She wanted the father to get sober. So they went to rehab together. But he kept getting high despite her expecting him to come to rehab with her.
One time soon, she was at rehab and left to help her son’s father not overdose despite how incredibly poorly he treated her. She wound up getting clean and went to a friend’s house then to the doctor one day and started thinking about hitting up the drug house. She had one month of sobriety. Again. Then got high. Again.
The next morning her water broke prematurely. Her son was born with methamphetamines in his system.
And DCF took her kid.
A month later COVID hit and the world was on lock down.
She knew based on her conversation with her higher power that it was all going to work out. She prayed again. “God, if I have the strength to do this, you’re bigger than me, help me.”
She went to rehab again. Got sober again. It was quite the road, she reflects. A road worth fighting for. She was worth fighting for. For God. For her kids.
She knew, she just knew she’d kill herself if she couldn’t get her kid back.
For the first two years she didn’t have a car. She rode the bus from Independence to Kansas City, KS for work and outpatient. She’d have 10 or 12 hour shifts and an over three hour bus ride both ways. It was a grind and being able to manage it was nothing short of God. Even in the snow. She made it to all her appointments, work and outpatient etc.
DCF put obstacle, after obstacle, after obstacle in her path. She was tested deeply and thoroughly. It felt near impossible. But she knew she just needed to do the next right thing. She knew out of all the lessons she had learned over the years, one of the most important was “worship over worry.”
Eventually, she got her son back. But she had no program yet and was going crazy. So she had an idea… smoking weed was ok, right? And she was intoxicated more often than not and she knew she needed AA.
On her 40th birthday she got drunk and thought she was drinking like a normal person. She got drunk again on her friend’s birthday.
Working for Hillcrest, blessed and blessed and blessed with a job and car and her son back, she attended a Gala. She had a few drinks. Not enough to get drunk but more than zero. The next day she dropped her son at day care and started thinking about the dope house again. This scared her enough to go straight to AA.
AA is where she finds herself today, sober.
She reflected on how these last two years have been the most rewarding two years of her life. The friendships she’s made, the faces in the crowd of onlookers … “I love you guys” she said with such warmth.
“I’m glad I fought to get to where I’m at. It’s worth it. Keep coming back….it’s a constant struggle but it’s worth it. And I’ll struggle every day for the rest of my life[for the privilege] to work this program. I can stand here today and say: I’m proud of who I am.
It’s crazy because there was a time where I thought of suicide every day.”
She wanted to leave us with this wisdom: we need to know that our present place is not forever. Even though she still feels a lot of shame and guilt, through teary eyes she proudly and boldly states “I am still loveable. I still deserve love. [I deserve to] show up for myself. To know that and believe that in my heart…it’s priceless.”
******See Part Two for Genny’s Story and Part Three for Katy’s Story from SNL on 9/5/2026 posted in the coming weeks*****
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Sarah. If this community of women and this thirst for self acceptance and self love is something you’ve been searching for we implore you to come visit us! There’s two women’s meetings each week: Thursdays at 6 pm and Saturdays at 9 am. Or check out our meeting schedule here to find a time that works for you. Because the vibes at the hall are consistent no matter what meeting you go to!
To be continued next week! Peace and love.
North Oak AA Group 